Brian Austin Green

One Stop Carnival

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Vanilla Ice, come back -- all is forgiven! A mortal lock for the short list of worst rap records ever made, Brian (Austin) Green's One Stop Carnival is the quintessential misguided celebrity record -- it's pallid, uninspired, and insufferably arrogant, with no acknowledgement that its very existence rests solely on Green's limited success as a secondary actor on a fading prime-time drama. It doesn't even translate as a so-bad-it's-good celeb disc because there's no hint Green grasps the project's monumental absurdity -- what the hell does a privileged white kid whose paychecks are signed by Aaron Spelling and whose bed is shared by Tiffani-Amber Thiessen know about hip-hop anyway? Wigga please! (It would have been much better if Green had rapped in character as 90210's David Silver, dropping science on why that bitch Donna Martin won't put out and sh*t.) Fortunately, like the titular carnival itself, it's mercifully over with one stop -- or at least a push of the pause button.

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